Have you ever screwed up by saying something so inappropriate that it echoes in the awkward silence that follows, while you wish the earth would immediately swallow you up?
It has happened to many of us.
Often, what was said was not even wrong, but out of place.
What was missing was “nunchi”, which means something like “measurement by eye”.
It is a traditional Korean concept that calls for observation and subsequent evaluation not only of individuals but also of the general context and atmosphere in any social environment.
“If you think about things you’ve said that were awkward or inappropriate or insulting, most of the time you could have avoided it by just slowing down,” Korean-American journalist and author Euny Hong told the BBC.
That’s what it’s all about: taking a moment to understand the dynamics of situations so you can handle interactions correctly.
“It’s a kind of sensitivity to the environment you’re in,” says Jin Park, professor and chair of the Department of Philosophy and Religion at the American University of Washington.
“When you walk into a room, you quickly gauge the situation – what people are thinking, what people are feeling – and from there you decide how you behave. That’s the beginning of nunchi in the real world.”
In that real world, he adds, there are all kinds of different situations where you encounter people in need.
“When that happens, you can use nunchi and do something. So nunchi It has a here-and-now quality.”
For Dr. Park, it’s not exactly a skill.
“If we just call it a skill, it becomes too functional. “I think it started as a way of living together.”
“South Korea is a very densely populated country, and if you need to live with people in a small space, you have to find a way to coexist.”
In more spacious countries, he explains, if you don’t like someone you can go home and get on with your life.
“In Korea it is very difficult to do that. It is a kind of community, collectivist society. You have to find a way to treat people. That’s why I think the nunchi“says Park.
In his words, it is about discerning “What is the best way to have a relationship with other people without hurting yourself but at the same time without hurting other people’s feelings?“.
since children
“Nunchi”, then, not only helps to know how to behave well, but also to be attentive to the needs of other people… often without words.
It is passing a tissue to someone without being asked or saying hello discreetly upon arrival so as not to interrupt the conversation in progress, listening and observing before speaking.
And it is that, When it comes to silences, instead of fearing them and filling them with words, it is often worth valuing them.
“Nunchi It also has to do with the role of language,” says Hong, author of “The Power of nunchi: the Korean secret to happiness and success.”
“East Asian culture values silence, they say silence is golden.”
“You must be able to understand the other side by looking into their eyes, without needing to verbalize ‘I love you’ or ‘I like you’ or ‘you’re right’ or ‘you’re wrong’.because people do not always clearly express what they need, how they feel.”
“In that nunchi “It plays a very important role.”
Hong warns that “nunchi” is not just about interpreting your environment or understanding other people.
“It’s something constant, you have to be trained. It is essential to be a kind of silent observer.”
And it is deeply rooted in Korean society.
“Children are taught from the moment they are able to communicate.
“When parents tell their children, ‘Look both ways before crossing the street,’ Korean parents are doing that and saying that the way you know how to behave in any situation, no matter how strange, is by looking. what happens around you.”
“He nunchi is paramount in Korean society, and one of the ways it is developed in school, for example, is that Teachers don’t tell students everything they need to know..
“They let them know there is a project, but they are vague about the details, and the children need to understand what they are supposed to bring to the project.
Or they are told there will be a test, but they are not given any further information, and it is all part of their education. You have to figure it out for yourself. Koreans believe that from the beginning.”
Tools
According to Hong’s book, the nunchi It is the “art of understanding what people think and feel,” a quality possessed by those who are sensitive to the dynamics within a group.
In practice, “nunchi” consists of observing, when you are accompanied, things like who speaks, who listens, who interrupts, who apologizes, and who makes gestures of desperation or complacency.
From there, assessments can be made about the nature of the relationships and hierarchies within a group and the general mood, and know how to behave accordingly.
Of the truly skilled, Koreans say they have a “quick nunchi.”that is, the ability to quickly process changing social information.
Their chances of success in any social setting are high: They are more likely to fit in and make connections, and they are less likely to appear clueless or incompetent, or to make awkward mistakes like those we talked about at the beginning.
But, could it be that someone not trained from a young age can learn to discern all those signals to develop “nunchi”?
Hong, who has suffered from social anxiety all his life, noted that the tools recommended for managing it are similar to those used for nunchi.
“Simply put, there is something that people with anxiety are taught, and that is that, if you feel very agitated or are about to have a panic attack, ask yourself if you are hungry, angry, lonely or tired.
“You must examine yourself. Knowing yourself is also nunchi, it’s not just about observing everyone else.
“And another thing they teach you is to stop and name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can smell.
“It’s about, first, slowing down and, second, engaging directly with your environment, and these are tools of nunchi that you can use whether you feel anxiety or not.”
“Nunchi” then can be a self-protection tool to avoid uncomfortable moments.
But it can also be a means to develop closer relationships, understand the subtext of what others say, perhaps not out loud.
For Dr. Park, that means looking beyond ourselves.
For her, the most valuable thing people could learn to add value to their lives is “to try to see yourself as a member of a community rather than as just an individual and try to understand others and fit into that.” context”.
“There is more and more talk about the global community and in that context you can see nunchi as a way of understanding others and finding a way to live together.”
* This article is adapted from the episode “How to Read Beyond the Room” of the BBC series “Something to declare”. If you want to listen to it, click here
click here to read more stories from BBC News World.
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