Single mothers by choice: “It was the best decision of my life”
More than 37% of women who use sperm donors are single who intend to raising their child alone, according to the latest data from one of the world’s largest sperm banks, Cryos International.
Data from Cryos, which supplies sperm and donor eggs over 53 countries around the world, show a steady increase in demand by single women over the past seven years, peaking at 54% on 2020.
Globally, there are more than 100 millions of mothers who raise their children alone, according to UN Women.
Although there is not enough data on how many of them s are single mothers by choice, the women who do so often face social, cultural and even legal challenges when raising a family on their own terms.
The BBC spoke to four women on their personal journeys into motherhood and how they feel about raising children alone.
“The best decision of my life”
Mam Issabre, from France, always wanted to be a mother. After years of thinking about it, she finally decided to do it on her own two years ago.
“I decided to talk to my mother about it and she told me that maybe it was a good time to try it, because I had 38 years”, he recalls.
“I made my decision in December and by February I was pregnant”, says the woman, who is also a radio presenter.
Nine months later, Mam gave birth to a healthy girl named Imany.
Sounds simple, but first she had to overcome a big hurdle: fertility treatments were not available to single women in France at the time.
Her doctor had recommended traveling abroad for insemination, but Mam was able to find another doctor willing to perform the insemination. process.
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She assures that she did not know that it was illegal, but simply thought that it was not possible to carry out the procedure in the country.
In June last year, France passed a law allowing single women and couples of lesbians to receive fertility treatments, previously only available to heterosexual couples, after two years of debate in Parliament and massive protests .
“A gift from God”
A a year later, Mam reflects on becoming a mother.
“The first time I held my daughter in my arms was when I really realized I was a mother”, it says. “I cried a lot that day”.
“It was a very emotional moment, it is the best decision of my life”, she adds.
Mom opted for an anonymous donor because she wanted to protect her daughter from possible rejection.
“I don’t want her to have that image of a father when he only sees himself as a donor and that’s all”, he explains.
“I hope it will be a good decision for me and my daughter, but I will explain everything to her when she is old enough”, she adds.
“My dream is to have four or five children“, he says, “but I I’m getting older, so maybe a child is a very good gift from God”.
“I felt that he was my whole world, and I was his”
Anne Marie underwent five artificial inseminations and two in vitro fertilization treatments to have her first child.
For Anne Marie Vasconcelos, a woman from 44 Years from New Jersey, USA, the road to motherhood was long and difficult.
Ten years ago, Anne Marie was diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome, a common disorder that affects the function of a woman’s ovaries and can cause fertility problems.
The diagnosis, coupled with the then recent loss of her father, pushed her to make a decision that would change her life.
“The endocrinologist said, based on the laboratory tests, that she would have problems having children and that if she wanted to have them, then she should get to work”, says this federal government worker.
But as a recently single woman from 34 years, motherhood seemed like a distant possibility.
“I told him I wasn’t married and he replied that it wasn’t necessary to have children. I had never thought of it like that”, he remembers.
Anne Marie had 34 years when she had her first child.
As a practicing Catholic, Anne Marie says that becoming becoming a single mother through artificial insemination raised certain moral issues that she needed to overcome. Talking to his priest helped.
“He assured me that if I continued down this path, my babies could still be baptized,” he says, “so even though I couldn’t support fertility methods, I wouldn’t judge myself or my family.”
The emotional toll and financial burden came to a head after a couple of years of trying to conceive.
“It took five artificial inseminations and two in vitro fertilization treatments to have my oldest son”, she says.
“It cost me US$95.000 because my health insurance did not cover anything of that, so I pooled all my savings, took out retirement loans and re-mortgaged my house.”
“I couldn’t believe it”
On 2016, Anne Marie’s first child, William, was born. and then had a second son, Wyatt, a couple of years later.
Both were conceived via in vitro fertilization with sperm from the same donor. Both pregnancies were fraught with complications, and both children were delivered prematurely by caesarean section.
“ he was not born alive”, he says, “he had to be resuscitated and receive immediate blood transfusions, so my delivery was very traumatic”.
Anne Marie decided to have two children, both from the same donor.
After nine days in the hospital, they were discharged to go home.
“I felt that he was my whole world, and I was his”, he says with the biggest smile.
“I just knew”
Sarah decided to have a child with the help of a friend.
Sarah [nombre ficticio] always wanted to be a mother.
“I don’t think I’ve ever had a moment in my life when I doubted whether I would be or not, I just knew it”, says this curator of and art, from 08 years.
For her, the coronavirus made it clear that he had no reason to wait any longer .
In August, Sarah found out she was pregnant after his first attempt.
“I was outside, it was hot, I felt it and I knew it”, he adds.
Now, six months pregnant, she remembers how her childhood influenced her decision.
“I grew up in Lebanon during the civil war. I was born on 1985 in the middle of the hardest period of the war”, she tells. “I had a happy childhood, but it was also imbued with many traumas.”
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Her parents have been married for almost four decades , but “they lived separately but under the same roof” for a long time.
“They don’t have a great relationship”, he thinks, “I would say they have had a pretty toxic relationship, and that greatly influenced my decision.”
“I think the relationship of my parents traumatized me”, she analyzes.
“There is nothing heroic in what I did”
Sarah says that the state of her country and the death of her loved ones had a great impact on her decision.
“ I think there was a call to life after a series of events tr magical things that have been happening to my people, to my country, to my community for the last two years, and the pandemic was just the icing on the cake,” he says.
For Sarah, becoming a single mother is not a brave decision: “I think there is nothing special or heroic about what I did because women in a couple or even married women very often take care of the children alone”.
Yes, she credits her family for being “brave” in accepting her unconventional choice.
“I was very surprised not ask questions about who the father was. I think they understood that she wasn’t ready to talk about it at first,” she says. “It’s something I told them recently.”
“But honestly they were very happy for me, and I think they have been very brave in announcing it to other members of the family”, he adds smiling.
“I need someone to love”
“This child means happiness and hope for the future”, says Nyakno.
Increasing of women who choose to be single mothers may indicate a change in attitudes towards the two-parent family structure, but the security guard at 37 years old Nyakno Okokon says he didn’t have many options.
“ I say single mother by choice very loosely because it wasn’t really a choice “, she maintains. “It was my destiny and I had to learn to accept it”.
Nyakno grew up in a Family of 20 children with a polygamous parent; his mother was his fourth wife.
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“We had to fight to survive on our own. ta, so we don’t really get the best education, just basic primary and secondary school.”
“But I can’t blame them [porque] that’s their mentality ”, he tells the BBC.
Nyakno moved from Nigeria to Dubai ago six years in search of a better life.
Normally works shifts of 12 hours and says he doesn’t have time to meet and connect with new people.
Despite this, he decided that this year he will do “whatever ” to have a child.
“I realized that there was nothing prevented me from becoming a mother if I could provide for them, give them love and a good education,” she says.
“ I need someone to love,” she adds, “and if I don’t have a child, I think I’ll be very bitter.”
“In Africa we don’t really have nursing homes, so our children help keep us going when we get older and weaker. So this child means happiness and hope for the future”, he explains.
Unconventional plans
Nyakno plans to conceive naturally, but if that doesn’t work, she will try in vitro fertilization or surrogacy .
However, she does not plan to tell her biological father about her plans until she is pregnant.
“It’s fair because I’m not going to give him any responsibility”, he thinks and adds that otherwise the man would be “afraid because he has his own life and plans”.
Nyakno says that her family accepted her unconventional plans and will support her as a single mother.
“In the past, when you got pregnant out of wedlock it was a taboo, you were despised and people thought you were irresponsible, but not anymore,” she maintains, adding that what matters to him is how his life will be at 50.
“My family supports me because they know I am not getting any younger, and this will bring me joy”.
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