Infidelity destroys many things. Confidence in the other, confidence in oneself. The security or tranquility of a relationship. The memories, the future. It can drastically change the life of the deceived, so much so that they can be diagnosed with a condition known as post-infidelity stress disorder.
According to experts, the person who has suffered a love affair may present symptoms similar to those who experience post traumatic stress disorder, with particular characteristics. Like others who have suffered threats to their safety and physical or emotional well-being, they are disoriented and confused by what happened. How to overcome this difficult moment in life.
Infidelity cannot only occur between marriages. Couples who have a solid commitment can experience it too.
A small study showed that people who live an act (or several) of infidelity may experience symptoms of traumatic stress. And this happens beyond civil status. The research found that up to 45. 2% of those deceived (both men and women) presented some of these symptoms:
- Unexpected emotional instability and mood swings
- Feelings of feeling broken and powerless
- Confusion and disorientation
- Compulsion to seek more information about the deception that, in the end, causes them more pain
- Tendency to blame themselves
- Feeling of deep sadness and that there is no way out
- Physical pains, such as headaches and upset stomach, among others
The trauma of a betrayal can also trigger memories of unresolved emotional situations from the past, these past experiences can complicate the healing process.
Resilience after an infidelity depends a lot on the personality of the victim tima, and the support he receives, either professionally or from his social and family network.
There are two crucial paths that are actually very different decisions. One is to leave that painful relationship behind and turn the page. This option does not rule out reviewing your own feelings and reactions to the deception.
The other alternative is to forgive, something that can happen if the couple is prepared for an honest dialogue and a shared healing path. The goal is to achieve emotional stability again.
What is digital infidelity?
A survey on infidelity from 2020 conducted with a representative demographic sample of 1, 000 people found that deception involving physical contact is more serious than that which occurs via the internet.
In the survey more religious people tended to consider infidelity to watch internet pornography without a partner.
Digital infidelity, which usually leaves concrete traces in the virtual world, encompasses what is called emotional infidelity: the exchange of affection through messages, posts, and chats that do not imply a physical approach but a commitment that involves the heart.
Some consider it more painful and difficult to overcome than an occasional sexual act.
Betrayed women and depression
The answer of science is yes. Since the years 80 the psychological consequences of infidelity, especially in women, have been formally studied. But less than two decades ago, research began to focus on analyzing whether, in addition to sadness, knowing that we were betrayed could trigger a depressive state.
A small study with 25 women , published by one of the journals of the American Psychological Association, showed that those who had experienced deception were six times more likely to suffer severe depressive events , compared to others with conflictive marriages, but without episodes of infidelity.
The truth is that, beyond the investigations, infidelity is one of the worst situations that a couple can go through. The wounds it causes, at so many different levels, are so deep that it is almost a red carpet for the arrival of depression.
No matter what form of infidelity affects you, depression can manifest itself even if you find out that your partner had a temporary slip. The doctor and expert in sexology Robert Weiss explains that having a history of cheating, or even that infidelity has affected your parents, can impact how you react when you are experiencing this situation yourself.
To do?
The following is a list of expert advice from the American Psychological Association, compiled in a series of Psychology Today articles that provide guidance on how to overcome post-infidelity stress disorder.
1. Be alert to every millimeter of your feelings. After the shock, the denial (“it is not possible that he is doing this to me if he wants me”) , and sadness, if you feel that you are in a kind of deep hole that you cannot get out of, you don’t stop crying, you don’t feel like anything, and you don’t see a way out, it may be that you have developed some level of depression.
two. Talk to your friends. In these extreme crises, it is important to know that you are not alone. Don’t be arrogant to think that people don’t want to deal with other people’s problems. There are always good people who can be around and give you encouragement.
3. Do not blame yourself. The habit of blaming ourselves for the mistakes of others is very feminine. Don’t make that mistake. It is true that phrase that says “the problems of a couple belong to both”, but the deception is committed only by one person. It’s not your fault. That your self-esteem —which should be a little low, and is normal— does not play a trick on you. Perhaps it is even convenient to think that there are not guilty but responsible. That mental hammering can fuel the progression of depression.
4. You don’t forgive so easily. If you really consider that life with your partner is something worth saving (because they have above all a good relationship, or children in common ), take your time to analyze what it is you want to do, do not return to the arms of the other just because you cannot control your sadness.
5. Seek professional help. If symptoms exacerbate and do not fade over time, seek assistance from a therapist. You are not “playing the victim” as some gossip may have rumored. Depression must be treated, not only so that you can rearrange your life, but so that you can live better all aspects of your life.
Others very practical tips to take control of the situation, take a blow to the past to leave it behind and move forward:
- Get tested for sexually transmitted diseases. If you have lost trust in your partner, you must remember that both unfaithful women and men tend to use less protection when having sexual intercourse .
- Therefore, do not have unprotected sex with your partner. For the same reason you’re getting tested for sexually transmitted diseases. And, of course, you should ask your partner to do them too.
- Also, do not use sex as a way to “save the relationship.” Those sexual relationships are often motivated by anger, guilt, hatred, and they do not lead to anything healthy.
- Don’t make long-term decisions when wounds are still open. They tend to be hasty, without having put much brain into them. It is best to wait and act wisely.
- Find out about your legal rights. In any case, but especially in the event of a potential divorce, know the numbers of your relationship, bank accounts, properties, and the situation with respect to your children, if any. you have.
- Learn about sexual compulsions. Knowing how a cheater acts will help you better understand why your partner was not honest, and eventually make healthier decisions in the future.
- Trust your instincts. What therapists hear most from their deceived patients is that they did not see signs, or that they did not know how to take into account actions that, seen in perspective, could have revealed infidelity. Don’t worry, denying reality is part of the process. But it is good to know that, from now on, you must trust what your gut tells you, if you feel that something is not right, then maybe you are right.
- Feel free to seek joint help. If the intention is to keep this couple and fight together to strengthen the relationship after the emotional earthquake of an infidelity, do not hesitate to seek help. The gaze of a couples counselor can help break painful cycles and can provide tools to start a new stage in the relationship.
You should always keep in mind that nothing is resolved In a magical way, you are not living a nightmare but this has been your reality and you must deal with it.
But don’t lower your arms. Keep going, because you can get over it.