“What does exclusivity mean to you?” Amy Hart asked her partner, Curtis Pritchard, during the popular British TV dating reality show Love Island, where they were both contestants on 2019.
Pritchard had been kissing other girls behind their backs. The man shrugged in his seat as Hart questioned him about how he could have romantic feelings for two people at the same time, and told him how much he needed it and how much he had let her down.
Hart operated under the assumption that a romantic relationship involves only two people, and that Pritchard was breaking the rules.
But we know that historically human relationships have been much more complicated than monogamy which is normal in many societies now.
Could we go back to our non-monogamous roots?
The non-monogamy consensus (known as CNM , for its acronym in English ) allows both parties to a couple have the freedom to explore relationships with other people.
This could incorporate everything, from polyamory to exchange of couples and other forms of “open” relationship.
I Regardless of the form it takes, one of the defining characteristics of the CNM is that the parties discuss and agree on the limits, for example, how far they can go, when and where.
This definition means that Pritchard’s antics did not fall into this category, as Hart had not agreed to them.
But the presence of non-monogamy in a sizeable minority of the population could explain why Pritchard acted in such a way .
Despite the prevalence of monogamy, everything seems to indicate that humanity is spending obsessing with with having sex with other people other than your partner.
- What are polyamorous relationships?
Psychologist Justin Lehmiller asked him to 4, 000 Americans who described their sexual fantasies for their book “ Tell Me What You Want “ (” Tell me what you want “).
Having a threesome is the most popular fantasy , by a wide margin. And what is a threesome if not consensual non-monogamy?
“If we think of all the people who have a relationship, around 5% would be defined as CNM “, says Amy Muise, assistant professor of psychology at York University in Toronto, Canada.
But including those who have tried the CNM increases the figure. “If we take the life experience, the 21% of people have been non-monogamous at some point. ”
To put that in perspective, the 21% is slightly less than the number of US households that speak a language other than English (21. 9%).
“I wouldn’t be surprised if it was even more common ,” says Amy Moors, assistant professor of psychology at Chapman University, California.
“Something called social desirability explains why people give slightly conservative answers to questions. It could be the reason why someone overestimates how often they eat five fruits or vegetables a day, or underestimates the amount of alcohol they drink. ”
For that sizeable minority, the opportunities to meet with couples outside their home may be few at this time, due to the restrictions imposed by the covid – 17.
People in CNM relationships may find themselves passing more time with the partners they live with and must get used to seeing their other partners much less.
It is not clear how this will affect their well-being, although well-established research on the Long-distance relationships suggests that these can be perfectly satisfactory.
And, as social psychology tells us, in more normal times there are reasons to believe that people in CNM relationships could experience advantages that their monogamous peers do not experience so.
Monogamy
At what point in time monogamy began to occur in humans is the subject of debate.
Some anthropologists cite the fact that ancient human ancestors were strongly sexually dimorphic – it is meaning that males and females were of different sizes and shapes – as evidence of non-monogamy .
A high degree of sexual dimorphism suggests that there are strong pressures of sexual selection on one or both genders.
In some species, such as gorillas, larger males are more likely to be sexually successful as they use their largest size to fight competition from other males.
A dominant male mountain gorilla will monopolize the 70% of all copulations, for example creating a polygynous society (one in which many females mate with one male).
Sexual dimorphism doesn’t always work this way. Species that use flamboyant displays of fitness, such as birds with beautiful feathers and brightly colored fish, compete for the attention of their peers, rather than physically fighting the competition.
The difference is that These are often not social species, unlike humans, so one male or female might not necessarily be able to control all of their possible mates in an area.
However, the record of Ancient human fossils is a bit patchy. Similar logic is also used to argue the exact opposite: that our ancient relatives had a similar level of dimorphism to ours.
This can be argued by looking at different fossils. Therefore, monogamy may have occurred much earlier.
Polygyny
The lack of diversity of the human Y chromosome has also been used to suggest that humans were polyginous until relatively recently.
- “We are monogamous because we are poor”
Again There is no consensus among anthropologists, but some have suggested that the relative similarity in male genetic data suggests that only a few males mated in our evolutionary past.
More recently this diversity has increased, suggesting that more males have been able to mate due to monogamy.
We know from archaeological evidence that ancient humans lived in small groups of extended families.
Computer modeling of hunter-gatherer societies suggests that they needed to mate with individuals outside of their local group to support the population in your with together.
Therefore, there must have been a large mating flow between hunter-gatherer societies.
Keeping the genetic lineage of a family intact would have been impossible .
This model suggests that hunter-gatherers were serial monogamous : pairs stayed together exclusively for the time necessary to wean a child before seeking a new mate.
Mens
This has been shown to be sexually advantageous for modern men, which could explain why men are more interested in open relationships.
Lehmiller’s research on fan Tasias found that men are more interested in group sex (approximately the 26% of men compared to 8% of women)
Also observed Similar trends for other types of “social sex,” such as interest in going to sex parties or swingers clubs (17% of men versus 7% of women).
However, those women who were interested in these fantasies were more likely to fulfill them.
The number of people from the same sample who reported having participated in group sex, for example, was 17% of men and 6% of women.
It would seem then that women are more likely to find the right opportunities.
What we do know is that in the 85% of modern human societies worldwide, forms of non-monogamy are allowed.
Even the Old Testament is full of many references to polygamy. However, the default condition in most societies is still monogamy.
It may be common now, but look at it as Look, historically humans weren’t monogamous like we are today. So why is lifelong monogamy now considered the default?
“It’s hard to answer succinctly without attributing it to the media,” says Moors, emphasizing the impact that the art and culture have on us when we grow up.
“Generally when we grow up our parents are married or try to be monogamous. In most parts of the world we have the institution of marriage. ”
“ Since people began to take ground and call it theirs, that was when marriage took off because it was a clear way to maintain control of his property and make it happen to his family, ”says Moors.
“From that moment we began to prioritize the couple and heterosexuality “.
Is it better to see others people?
Repeatedly, research on CNM shows that couples with different sexual interests report being better when they have multiples sexual partners.
“In a relationship, there is often a a discrepancy between the interests of both parties ”, says Muise.
“ However, people with multiple associations might feel more satisfied overall . If you are interested in having sex with other people, it may be healthy to explore that. ”
What has been lacking in CNM research to date has been large longitudinal studies, where it is followed of groups of people who are considering opening their relationships for several years, starting even before having that first conversation with their partner.
However, some studies are beginning to fill that gap. On the one hand, people curious about the CNM and others who had never considered being open were recruited for a series of questionnaires about their relationship and sexual satisfaction.
At first, none of them She had approached her partner to discuss the idea of opening up to other people.
In the end, they were asked the same questions about how satisfied they were in their romantic lives, but they also had to report if they had opened their relationship.
“To the people who wanted to open their relationship and who ended up doing so, their satisfaction was significantly higher, ”says Samantha Joel, assistant professor of social psychology at Western University in London, Canada.
“ Meanwhile, for people who thought about it but didn’t, their satisfaction decreased, but not significantly. ”
Joel suggests that the increased satisfaction among people who switched to CNM could have been the result of a carry-over effect.
A better quality of sexual life with a secondary partner increases satisfaction with the main partner, because suddenly the pressure for a person to have they provide all your enjoyment.
“We know that when people are happier with their sex life, they communicate better anyway” says Joel. “But people in CNM relationships report that they have open communication; it is difficult to be CNM if you do not talk about limits. Whereas in monogamous couples, these discussions about limits often do not occur. ”
Emotional satisfaction (feelings of security, affection and closeness) tends to increase in traditional relationships over time. Meanwhile, spontaneity and excitement linked to eroticism decrease.
“The beginning is sexy and passionate, but then it becomes predictable,” says Rhonda Balzarini, a psychologist at the University of York.
“The novelty is difficult to maintain and eroticism is lost “.
Balzarini gives the example of a couple with whom you could be legally married, living, having children, and generally having the responsibilities associated with living a monogamous life.
With all the work that this entails, there is a greater need for predictability, which is not sexy, says.
A secondary couple may never share these responsibilities with you, and therefore it is possible that the Deterioration of eroticism in your relationship does not occur. As a result, secondary couples tend to provide a higher frequency of sexual relations with fewer commitments.
“I think that, in general, there is this dance between novelty and security and being in a CNM relationship in the long term it is a way of trying to satisfy both needs simultaneously ”, says Joel.
“ It is not the only way, but it is a way and it works for some people ”.
How do you deal with jealousy?
The benefits of CNM are seen most strongly when primary partners are motivated to support each other’s happiness, says Muise. “There is a primary desire to see the partner satisfied sexually, without needing to be the one to do it,” she says.
“When they see their main partner motivated by their happiness, they feel more comfortable when satisfy their needs. ”
This describes a psychological concept called compersion : being able to experience pleasure from seeing another person’s pleasure.
You may find it more familiar outside of the realm of romantic relationships. Think, for example, of seeing someone open a gift.
But, how do people in CNM couples cancel the feelings of jealousy?
For the For men, jealousy is felt more strongly in relation to sexual infidelity than to emotional infidelity, writes Katherine Aumer, a researcher at Hawaii Pacific University, and co-author of a study on compersion in monogamous couples and CNM.
This is to be expected, since men are more strongly motivated than women to know the paternity of their children, as evolutionary theory would suggest. Identifying the motherhood of a child is not very complicated for women.
However, women are more likely to feel jealous due to emotional infidelity , continues Aumer.
With respect to evolutionary pressures in raising a child, women are strongly motivated to keep their male partner close so that he can provide food and protection for her and her child while they are breastfeeding.
If the man seems to be emotionally involved with another woman, it is possible that the mother is not receiving the best quality of food, protection and shelter from him.
Why do people choose non-monogamy?
There is evidence that certain people may be better than others at handling multiple relationships at the same time.
Attachment theory describes how feelings of security or insecurity shape our feelings. relationships and could explain why some are less willing to share a partner.
Chris Fraley from the University of Illinois has been collecting data on attachment through an online survey that has been going on for two decades.
In total, some 200. 000 people have conducted this census and many other researchers trust that this large amount of data allows is setting standards for all kinds of behaviors.
Using this data, Moors says that he has found that people who engage in poly relationships have less anxious attachment and avoidant attachment compared to others.
However, he points out that this is a correlational finding. It could be the case that only confident, non-anxious and non-avoiding people are attracted to this lifestyle.
What the psychological profiles of CNM people might suggest is that have emotional needs that one person cannot meet.
“People who have polyrelationships may have greater needs in general,” says Balzarini.
“We found that monogamous people are balanced in terms of their needs for affection and eroticism . But poly people have ups and downs. They can be people who need both at the same time and it is difficult to experience those things with only one partner. A nurturing main partner is unlikely to also turn you on in an erotic way. ”
That said, it’s hard to build a profile of CNM people, Moors says. The psychology expert affirms that there is no correlation between this practice and other factors such as age, income, location, education, race, ethnicity, religion or political affiliation.
People who identify themselves as Lesbian, gay or bisexual are more likely to be CNM, but that is the only pattern.
For something that seems to cover all walks of life, it still exists an unrelenting stigma associated with non-monogamous lifestyles.
Moors gives the example of how normal it is to think of platonic or family love as endless, but for some reason we consider romantic love to be finite.
” We already know how to have close love relationships with various people, ”he says. But are we expected to believe that romantic love is limited? How many best friends do you have? Oh that’s disgusting, you have too many! It would be ridiculous to say that, ”he exemplifies.
We ask a lot from our partners. We hope you are our life coach, best friend, confidant. “We don’t need all those things from one person,” says Moors.
Perhaps we would be better off if we distributed our needs among more than one person.
You can read the original article (in English) here
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