Many conversations in France begin with a sigh and a lament: what if the weather is bad; that if the harvest is worse; that if politicians are inept and stupid.
When I first moved to France, more than a decade ago, I was an American girl from 23 years who was fascinated by everything and was disturbed by the constant complaints.
I wondered why the French always They were in such a bad mood, but when I finally plucked up the courage to ask a French friend, he corrected me: don’t complain, he said. They are râle urs .
In France, there are several words to complain about. Exists is plaindre , which is used for the usual complaints; there is also porter plaint and , for the more formal complaints. And then there is râler , which is complain just for the fun of it.
“ Râler is informal (…) You may complain about doing something, but you still do it (even if reluctantly) ”, explains Gemma King, professor of French at the Australian National University and editor of the blog Les Musées de Paris.
“While porter plainte implies that you won’t and someone will find out why.”
When I was about to apply for my residence permit in France, and getting French citizenship was just a big dream, I used to joke that I would find out that I had become French before I received the letter because I would wake up with the uncontrollable need to complain I.
Preparing for that fateful day, I jokingly complained to anyone who would listen to me: the soup is too cold; the salad too hot; A neighbor did not tell me “ bonjour “.
How to start a conversation in France
My friends laughed at my attempts to sigh like a Frenchwoman and the fact is that the relevance of when, with whom and what to complain about is a very delicate art, which I had not yet mastered completely.
In France, complaining is an appropriate and frequent way to start a conversation.
You can start talking about a restaurant by focusing on poor service in a place where you eat very well, or highlight the fact that since the windows in your new apartment face east, now you will have to buy curtains .
“For Americans, saying something negative sounds like you are ending the conversation,” explains Julie Barlow, Canadian journalist and co-author of “ The Bonjour Effect “.
But in F Rancid, such comments are perceived as “a way of inviting others to give their opinion.”
According to the author, Americans are not as comfortable with confrontation or criticism as the French. Râler , then, “is perceived as somewhat more intelligent than being too optimistic.”
Anna Polonyi, French-Hungarian-American writer and department director creative writing at the Institute of Critical Thinking in Paris, believes that this distinction may be due to a fear shared by many Americans: that of being perceived as “a loser” .
A sample of intellect
In France, some conversations could be compared to “duels”, according to Barlow, and to start them many often use a complaint: it is like a display of intellect, “something that makes people seem critical, like they think, and not look naive. ”
Polonyi experimented This firsthand when he moved from France, where he grew up, to Iowa, USA There he noticed that people stayed away from negative speech whenever could avoid it , and only complained when he accumulated much more than they could endure.
“They did not complain in the way we were used to; they let off steam, “he adds.
” It was as if people didn’t give themselves permission to complain in a way that (helped them) build intimacy. They just wouldn’t do it until it was impossible not to. ”
Polonyi even got hit a tick American . “When I complain in English (…) I have a certain expectation that at the end of that conversation I have to say: ‘oh, but I’m going to get over it.’”
Healthy
In French, on the contrary, it is not necessary to reach a conclusion. “I feel that the more specific my complaint is, the more I can make the other person feel empathy,” he continues.
The French attitude towards complaining is uncomfortable for many Anglo-Saxons , who argue that negativity attracts negativity.
But according to some experts, the French attitude may be better for your health. A study by 2013 published in the journal Biological Psychiatry found that attempts to regulate negative emotions could be linked to an increased risk of cardiovascular disease.
And another study by 2011 from the University of Texas, USA, assures that repressing negative emotions can make people more aggressive.
This does not mean that Complaining is always positive.
In fact, complaining too often can get you trapped in a spiral and reconfigure your brain to always focus on the negative.
But many râleurs French people manage to avoid this unfortunate side effect, partly because they rarely complain about their own lives but about external problems.
What are the French complaining about?
According to a survey on the matter, the 63% of French respondents said that they complained the most about the government.
This may not be a surprise: an article published by Politico affirms that the French opinion on the handling of the pandemic by President Emmanuel Macron is overwhelmingly negative.
Meanwhile, the personal problems rank very low on the list of things that the French choose to talk about. According to the same survey, a 23% complain when people don’t call them back, a 33% complain when they can’t find their keys or phone and only the 15% complain of problems related to their children.
“ I think the French are optimistic and positive about themselves and about their lives, but they tend to be very tough on their country , ”said Barlow. “Don’t go to a party and praise France; people are going to laugh at you. ”
Margot Bastin, a researcher at the Belgian Katholieke Universiteit Leuven – who has published peer-reviewed articles on the effects of internalizing negative emotions – states that the fact that the French focus on issues that “are not personal and are not related to themselves” may be healthier.
However, the research also ensures that, although a a certain amount of ventilation can be useful, it is “harmful (when) it becomes a very prolonged process and when it occurs in excess.”
A cultural and conversational tic
But the French, in general, do not tend to see catastrophes in everything and, as observed Polonyi, most of your complaints are not even intended to resolve the matter.
While there are not a few Americans who want to talk to the manager To correct something, not even the British who let out a loud sigh when someone is not queuing well, in France, complaining is not considered a means to an end .
“I don’t think they complain because they want to change something, ”says Barlow. “I think it’s a cultural and conversational tic.”
As with most other conversational tics -like ask tell someone how is doing without worrying about the answer-, complain in France it is primarily a means of forging an interpersonal connection. And one apt.
A study conducted by the University of Oklahoma indicates that complaints can have a positive impact on connectivity; Research also shows that bonding can be a useful tool.
“The other person listens to you, makes you feel connected to the other person, makes you feel really close to the other person, makes you feel understood “, explains Bastin.
Authentic, vulnerable
Actually, I never felt more French than when I spoke of an argument that only served to highlight that I am a foreigner: going to the prefecture to renew my residence.
After a super Kafkaesque trip through the bowels of that bureaucratic office, I complained to anyone who would listen to me, drawing a portrait of the ineptitude of those responsible, of the absurdity of the list of documents they had asked me to prepare.
And although my French friends did not share this experience, they used it as a starting point for their own complaints : experienci so with the tax office or the zoning department, where other bureaucrats do their thing. Apparently it was a complaint they all had in common.
After years of living in France, I was finally managing to build intimacy with the locals; but I just never knew that I would have to complain so much to get there.
“If someone complains, I feel that it is authentic,” says Polonyi, “and that authenticity reassures me, because I feel that, in certain So complaining means being vulnerable. ”
You can read the original version of this article in English at BBC Travel .
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